Our little secret...

I know I have not shown my face around here in quite a while but this is going to be quite a simple and short post......

I AM PREGNANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am actually 14 weeks and 3 days along. Our due date is March 7th.

We have heard the heartbeat and had our first ultrasound.....this is the most beautiful thing we have ever experienced. It hasn't been all sunshine and rainbows but that doesn't matter at all.

We are here. We are trying to soak it all up. We certainly are beyond blessed.....no treatments, no meds, no doctors - just a complete surprise.

We are having fun trying to choose a name....we have a while until we can find out our baby's gender but we thought we would try to be ahead of the game....so if anyone has suggestions throw them out there!

I just thought I would update for those of you who have been wondering.

What a miracle.....our hearts are happy.

What an adventure. We are beyond grateful for the gift we have been given.

ABC 123 :)

Thanks to all of the fabulous women who have shared so many thoughts with this post....thought I would give it a shot. :)

A to Z of TTC

A. Age when you started TTC: 25

B. Baby Dancing or Sex: Sex (haven't ever been the greatest dancer)

C. Children wanted: I will no longer put an expectation on this - planning hasn't worked out thus far!

D. Dogs/Cats/Fill in Children: Two dogs - Lucy & Mickey. Lucy is an Australian Shepherd and Mickey is a Border Collie. They are flippin' awesome and definitely entertain us. As far as fill in children, all of my students are work do this for me every single day. Every single day.

E. Essential Oils/Vitamins/Snake Oils: Prenatals.

F. Fertility Meds I’ve taken: Clomid, Ovidrel, Follistim

G. Gain: I have gained some headaches and hopefully a lot of wisdom.

H. HSG (Hystosalpingogram): March 2010 - everything was clear but holy crap balls was that painful!

I. Infertile Pet Peeves: "Oh just stop trying, relax, and it will happen." Really?

J. Job title: Teacher (I have waited so long to have that job title. Love it!!!!)

K. Kid’s names you’re afraid will be taken by the time you can use them: Refer to my job title: teacher - and my husband is a teacher - we are screwed no matter what. Somewhere along the line at least one kid has ruined every name for us. We will just have to be really creative someday!

L. Length of time TTC: Over 2 and a half years

M. Miscarriages: none

N. Number of times you’ve switched OB/GYNS, REs, FSs: One time - our first RE was not very advanced in the treatments he could offer us. Nice guy - but we graduated from the basics a long time ago!

O. Ovarian quality: Do we ever really know this for sure?

P. POAS or wait for AF: Have tried both....I like waiting for a period more but POAS always gives a good heads up.

Q. Quote from an obnoxious fertile: I got nothin' here!

S. Sperm: Good to go in this department. :)

T. Time you tried naturally: A long time - don't really feel like thinking this hard! At least this involves sex!

U. Uterus quality: Good as far as I know. The quality and quantity are both good.

V. Vagina: Yes, I have one of those.

W. What baby stuff do you already have?: Just some clothes that my hubby's aunt and uncle passed to us like 2 years ago. It is just collecting dust in garbage bags in the basement. Other than that, too dangerous for me to be collecting baby stuff.

X. X-tra X-tra Hear all about it! How many people know the ins and outs of our crazy TTC journey? As of last May - no one. As of today - anyone and everyone who asks - freedom to talk about has been refreshing (even though I have wanted to slap a couple of people!) Most people who know though have kind of shied away and don't really ask us too much about it.

Y. Yearly Exam (do you still go in even though someone sees your lady parts most months?): Yes, this is essential for every woman. Even though I have exposed my lady parts to multiple people year round, I still get the check up.

Z. Zits: Ya I have some of those. Usually brought on by stress so these pop up from time to time! :)


This was fun to do. If you made it down this far, congratulations! I tried to keep it light hearted! :)

The Sun'll Come Out Tomorrow

Hi all! Still here! It seems as though I have not posted in forever! I am still checking in on you all....not always commenting but just know that doesn't mean I care any less. I wish this post would find you all reading something that said "surprise" we're pregnant - but we are not. I wish this post had more positivity in it - but it doesn't. I wish I could just take the pain away that my husband and I are experiencing. Where is that damn genie in a bottle when I need him anyway?
I really don't have much to write about today. I have a lot to say but writing just hasn't been doing it for me lately. Bottom line is - still on a break from trying to conceive. Still trying to search my soul for some answers - but most of the time I have to keep reminding myself to just live out the answers.

Still working on getting my groove back. Still working on finding the drive to push forward with infertility treatments. Since February I have lost 16 pounds....I feel healthier than I have in a long time. But I also feel more damaged than I have ever been - I try not to show that to the outside real world though. I am really not sure when I will feel healed and ready to start trying again. Has anyone experienced this? It is like I have completely shut off a switch for pregnancy. I just don't want to have anything to do with it right now. Does it come back? Does the drive to try again ever come back? I feel so unfair to my husband - I am the one putting on the brakes. This is not his choice. I feel selfish but know it is what I need right now. I can't predict how I will feel tomorrow.

So for now I am just trying to focus on finding small things that make me happy. I just signed up to coach a little league softball team. It should be a great time.

This post for some reason reminds me of a song from Annie - I hope she is right.

The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar
That tomorrow
There'll be sun!
Just thinkin' about
Tomorrow
Clears away the cobwebs,
And the sorrow
'Til there's none!
When I'm stuck a day
That's gray,
And lonely,
I just stick out my chin
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh
The sun'll come out
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
'Til tomorrow
Come what may
Tomorrow!
Tomorrow!
I love ya
Tomorrow!
You're always
A day
A way!

Getting My Groove Back...

I apologize for my absence lately. I am even more sorry that I have not been commenting on all of your posts. Please don't take it to heart. I think about all of you a lot and send you positive vibes.

After my period showed up early March after our first month of trying naturally after our lap, I kind of put up a HUGE wall. It was like I just shut something off inside of me. I was pissed off. Not really even sad or upset....just pissed off.

So after many difficult and selfish conversations, my hubby and I have decided to take this month off from trying. I just don't have it in me this month. Maybe it is because if our next natural cycle fails, we move on to IVF. Am I trying to push that off? Maybe it is because I just don't have the emotional energy to try.

I have decided that this month I am not going to let my life be defined by trying to get pregnant. This month is dedicated to feeling like me again and getting my groove back. I already feel rejuvenated. I think my main goal of this month is to miss trying to get pregnant. I need to miss the want for a child. Right now it feels as though it is taking over my life. I can't predict what next month will bring, but I can say that no matter what I will be stronger. So for now, I will not be blogging. A large part of getting to feeling refreshed is stepping away from all of this (definitely easier said than done) The sun was shining today and I haven't felt this free in a while. I feel like this month is for catching my breath. We have been running for quite some time now and I just need to take a pause and catch my breath. I think it's what any smart marathon runner would do!

Breathe in, breathe out, it will all work out.

Kicked IF in the butt yesterday

Baby showers. The dreaded event for an infertile woman. Yesterday I attended one of my best friend's baby showers. Was it easy? No. But I did kick infertility in the butt yesterday and told it to shut it's loud mouth and go away for a day. It worked.

I did have a slight moment of panic about 20 minutes before the shower but thankfully through text messages a good friend talked me through it. I met up with another friend before the shower so I didn't have to show up by myself.

Two of my friends that were also college roommates that live way out of town also came. It was so nice to see them and I even got to meet one of my friend's babies. I had a lot of fun playing with her and getting to know such a beautiful spirit....my friend is an adorable mom. A natural!

Overall, I was super proud of myself for pushing myself to go to this shower. (Yes I am totally giving myself props here!) My friend who's shower it was gave me the most sincere thank you hug right when I walked in the door for being there. She texted me again after the shower thanking me for coming. Ya I think that made it worth it. I am so thankful to her for recognizing the effort. But really this is a shower I would not have allowed myself to miss. Sure, it tore at my heart a little bit to see all of the cute frog pajamas, and blue elephant stuff animal, and cute socks and booties....but yesterday it was not about me. It was not about the fact that I do not have a baby yet. Yesterday was about my very good friend and the new joy that is about to be brought into her life in May. I am so very glad that I got to celebrate that with her.

An Icy ICLW

Another snow day!!!! Well, I should say an "ice day." Good ol' Michigan weather gave us another day off of work today. I have posted some pics of our icy madness at the bottom of this post. We lost power through the night and got it back about 10:00 this morning - thank goodness because it was getting really cold in our house. February sure wants to go out with a bang here!

Now onto more important things....HAPPY ICLW! I made so many great connections last month through ICLW and am looking forward to connecting with more incredible women. You all never cease to amaze me!

For those of you who are new here, I will give you a quick break down of our story:
- Started dating in September 2002
- Married December 2006
- Started trying to conceive August 2008
- 1 year of trying naturally
- 3 months of just plain clomid
- 5 IUI's (all BFN's)
- tried naturally in between the IUI cycles
- 1 laparoscopy (removed stage 2 endometriosis from behind my right ovary)

Bottom line is, more than 2 and a half years of trying and we are still not pregnant. My lap was in January and the doctor told us to try naturally for a few months (hoping something magical happens here!) If we are not successful we are looking at starting IVF this spring.

We do not have a baby yet but we are still alive. We are still breathing. We are healthy and happy with so many other things in our lives. Some days it seems as though I am suffocating underneath the infertility blanket but most days I just try to not let it define me (easier said than done, right?)

For now we are just continuing to walk this journey hand in hand. Who knows what tomorrow will bring.
When I was in the car today I heard an old song that really hit a trigger with me. Do any of you remember Des'ree? I have posted some lyrics from her song "You Gotta Be."

Don't ask no questions, it goes on without you
Leaving you behind if you can't stand the pace
The world keeps on spinning
You can't stop it, if you try to
This time it's danger staring you in the face
Oh oh oh Remember
Listen as your day unfolds
Challenge what the future holds
Try and keep your head up to the sky
Lovers, they may cause you tears
Go ahead release your fears
My oh my hey, hey, hey
You gotta be
You gotta be bad, you gotta be bold
You gotta be wiser, you gotta be hard
You gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger
You gotta be cool, you gotta be calm
You gotta stay together
All I know, all I know, love will save the day

Love will save the day....what a powerful statement. I truly believe this. My Grandpa has been in a nursing home due to a stroke since the beginning of December. Whenever I ask my Grandma how she is holding up with all of this all she ever says to me is: "Sara, I don't have a choice." She is such an amazing woman and I have taken those words to heart with my life. To my husband and I, we don't have a choice. We will just continue to roll with what life brings us, what God gives us. We are following the logical steps, in our opinion. We all may do this differently, but this blog is about the journey my husband and I are on. Feel free to follow and stay awhile and walk with us on this path to who knows what.

My mantra throughout all of this has been to repeat to myself: CALM AND STRONG. Des'ree's lyrics remind me of this. You gotta be tougher than you thought you could, you gotta be stronger than you ever imagined was possible.

Now for some pictures of our hard, crunchy ice and yet again winter wonderland....


It may be hard to see, but we have 1/4 inch to 1/2 inch of ice on our trees and power lines. These pics are all from my yard, but our poor neighborhood lost many trees, branches, and power lines. Spring is on the way, right? :)


It is windy too, and when I was standing outside I could
hear all of the ice cracking on the branches.

I got bored this morning without power so I got a little camera crazy! These are a few pictures of my pups today...thought I would share!

Any Bitch Can Fake It

Just put on your happy face!

That is how I am feeling lately. I am tired of putting on my happy face. I am just tired of pretending at work and with friends and family that everything is hunky dory. (Not sure if that is how you spell that little phrase but we'll just go with it!) It seems like a full time job these days to put on the front that everything is okay. Even people who are aware of our infertility seem to expect the "normal Sara." Geez people cut me some slack once in a while! We saw both of our families this weekend and not one person asked us how we are doing. Am I expecting too much? My boss at work even has called me out on a few occasions and has told me that I am not the same person I was a year ago and he has told me in a joking fashion that I am too uptight lately. This really makes me sad because that is just not my personality at all (well at least I hope not.) I just don't know how to get back to the normal Sara. I don't think there is going back after this. Just moving forward. But right now we really aren't moving at all. We are just stuck without a paddle waiting for something to pull us to shore. Even though my husband shouldn't have to, he at least understands that some days I just want to sulk and be upset and let my feelings show.

I guess I just have to keep reminding myself: "Suck it up, Sally!" One of my favorite quotes is -
"If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours right back." I truly believe in that. We are given what God knows we can handle.

I don't really have much to say today but kind of felt the need to vent about being tired. Somebody splash some water on my face and wake me up!